


sweet like honey, don't need money (all i need is you)

by gleesquid



Category: Fantastic Four (Comicverse), Marvel (Comics), Spider-Man (Comicverse)
Genre: Cracky, Established Relationship, Family, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Set in some distant future
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-28
Updated: 2017-05-28
Packaged: 2018-11-05 18:12:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11018823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gleesquid/pseuds/gleesquid
Summary: “I can’t do it anymore. I’m kicking you out."“That’s too bad, Johnny,” Peter said. “But I guess I’ll still see you out in the field."“Both of you,” said Sue. “Until you learn to behave yourselves in shared living quarters, you’re not living here anymore.”Or: Peter and Johnny are between homes and everyone hates them.





	sweet like honey, don't need money (all i need is you)

**Author's Note:**

> soooooo this was originally intended for the domesticity day of spideytorch week, but i missed it and also it's not very domestic. have fun.

“I can’t do this anymore,” Sue said, bursting through the door of the rec room.

“Um, knock much?” Johnny asked. “I could totally have a dick in my mouth right now.”

Johnny didn’t have a dick in his mouth. What he did have was one Peter Parker feeding him grapes like he was his manservant in Ancient Greece. This was the life, truly.

“That’s the thing though! I should not have to worry about knocking on doors of public family spaces because I have no idea _when_ you are going to have to any of Peter’s appendages inside your body!”

Peter scrunched up his nose. “I feel weirdly objectified right now.” 

“I can’t do it anymore. I’m kicking you out.”

“That’s too bad, Johnny,” Peter said. “But I guess I’ll still see you out in the field.”

“ _Both_ of you,” said Sue. “Until you learn to behave yourselves in shared living quarters, you’re not living here anymore.”

“But where are we supposed to live?” Johnny asked. “And, okay, what do you mean you’re _kicking us out_? Am I homeless now?”

“You’re not homeless, you’re just – between homes at the moment.”

“You’re being unusually harsh,” Johnny said. “Is Ben forcing you to do this?”

“I’m sorry, Johnny, but _children_ live here. I need to think of them. You know I’ve always had your best interests at heart.” 

“That’s what you say every time you don’t let me eat as much cookie dough as you.”

Sue sniffed. “Salmonella is a real threat.” 

“You know what?” Peter said, standing. “We don’t need this. We’re going to live somewhere we’re _wanted_. Come one, Johnny.”

Peter grabbed Johnny’s hand and dragged him across the room. When they pushed open the doors, it was to find Reed, Ben, and the entire Future Foundation crowded around it.

“Really?” Johnny asked. “You people have issues.”

“Et tu, Brute?” Peter asked Franklin, who wore a Spider-Man t-shirt and Spider-Man sunglasses, although they were inside.

Reed cleared his throat. “We’ve been having some concerns –,”

“Save it,” Johnny said, pushing past them. “You’re all jerks. I would have expected better from you, Dragon Man.”

“I thought so as well but your public fornication really has become a problem,” said Dragon Man.

“We don’t need them,” Peter said. “We don’t need any of them. It’s you and me against the world, baby.”

“We’re gonna do just fine on our own,” Johnny called over his shoulder. “We won’t only survive, we will thrive!”

“Come back when you can keep your hands to yourself!”

Johnny grabbed Peter’s butt for good measure.

 

Aunt May opened the door and a lovely smile immediately stretched across her face.

“My boys!” she said.

Johnny’s heart soared when Aunt May pulled him into a hug.

“Can we stay here for a couple of nights, Aunt May?” Peter asked. “Sue kicked us out of the Baxter Building, and we need to give her some time to calm down.”

“Oh, uh, of course.”

“Thanks, Aunt May, you’re the best.” Peter kissed her on the cheek and pulled Johnny into the house. “We will totally buy all the food while we’re staying here, and pay rent and anything else you need from us.” Peter pulled Johnny up the stairs. “Just say the word!”

“Um, Peter, there’s just one thing –,”

Peter threw open a door and froze. Inside was a bunch of high end exercise equipment. Johnny was glad he wouldn’t have to slack on his bicep curls while they were here.

Peter slowly turned to Aunt May, his eyes wide.

“I can explain –,” she said.

“You turned the _guest room_ into a _workout room_? Why? Do you not have _guests_ anymore?”

Aunt May pinched the bridge of her nose and Johnny had half a mind to punch Peter in the arm for giving her a headache.

“You know I’ve kept a room for guests, namely _you_ , for a very long time. But when you got engaged, I really thought that it might be right to bring the house in the direction I wanted to go . . .”

“Which is what? Planet Fitness?”

“Peter Parker, don’t you take that tone with me! You’re the one who dropped in unannounced and I happen to _enjoy_ exercising, maybe you should try it sometime –,”

Peter gasped, even as a smile tugged at his mouth. 

“We can sleep on the couch,” said Johnny. “We’re so thankful that you’re letting us stay here.”

He pecked her on the cheek.

“See, that’s the way a man who was raised right behaves.” 

“You raised me,” Peter said.

“By the time I got you it was too late,” she said and Johnny wished the world could know where Spider-Man got his trademark sass from.

 

“Move your elbow,” Peter hissed. “It’s in my face.”

“There’s only so much room on this couch, Pete.” 

“And you’re not exactly helping. Watch where you’re pointing those things, will you?”

Johnny and Peter were attempting to spoon rather unsuccessfully on the couch, huddled under the blanket Aunt May had given them. The couch wasn’t small and neither of them were particularly bulky guys, but side by side they definitely made a full Captain America. Plus, Johnny’s elbows were apparently too pointy for Peter.

“You should cut your toenails,” said Johnny. “Who are you, Shrek?” 

“Is Shrek known for his long toenails?”

“Ogres probably don’t cut their toenails. Use your brain, Pete.”

“Ugh, I can’t do this,” Peter said, sitting up and taking the blanket with him. Johnny grabbed for it, even though he didn’t need it. It was the principle of the thing. “There was a time when I would have been able to do this but that time is long past and now I am used to king size beds and elbow room, in the literal sense. I’m sleeping on the floor.”

“No, sweetie –,”

“Do _you_ want to sleep on the floor?”

“I’ve never known anyone more generous than you.”

Peter rather ungracefully crawled over Johnny and Johnny enjoyed he brief moment of his weight pinning him down. Peter settled on the ground next to the couch, blanket pulled over him. He reached up wordlessly and Johnny tangled their hands together.

“I love you,” Johnny said. 

“I love you,” Peter said. “And you know what? I think we can make this work.”

 

“This isn’t going to work,” Aunt May said when she caught Johnny with his hand down Peter’s pants that morning.

Well. Not _right_ when. First there was some screaming and Peter locked himself in the exercise room. But eventually they gathered in the kitchen – far away from the offending couch.

“I’ve called Harry,” Aunt May said. “His house is . . . bigger.”

“Aunt May,” Peter said, staring very hard at a fly on the wall. Johnny hoped he wasn’t about to go full on spider on it. Because gross. “I’m really, really, really sorry. Like so sorry.”

Aunt May waved him off. “You’re young. You’re in love. The things I got up to with your Uncle Ben –,”

“Wasn’t this whole experience punishment enough?” 

“They didn’t call it free love for nothing –,”

Peter resorted to covering his ears and Aunt May laughed. God, Johnny loved them.

 

“Peter!” Harry said when he threw open the doors of his house. He leaned forward and kissed Peter on both cheeks.

“Um,” Peter said.

“Too much?” Harry smiled apologetically. “I spent a few months in France. Decided to try some things out.”

“No, no, I like it if you like it.”

“Hey, Harry,” Johnny said.

Harry barely glanced at him. “Oh, hi.” He turned back to Peter, pulling him into the house. Peter gave Johnny a helpless shrug. Johnny barely managed to squeeze through the doorway before Harry was slamming the door shut.

“I’m honestly so excited you’re here,” said Harry. “It’s just like old times, you know?”

“Yeah, totally,” said Peter, scratching the back of his neck. “But this is temporary, you know that, right, Harry?”

“Huh?” Harry was distracted with swooping his toddler son who had wandered into the room into his arms. “Oh, sure, yeah, whatever. Meet your new daddy, Stanley!”

Stanley waved at Peter and Johnny as Harry meandered trotted up the stairs, calling for Peter to follow him.

Johnny whirled on Peter.

“I’ve never asked this, frankly I’ve never felt the need to, but I need to know what I’m working with here,” he said. “Is Harry in love with you?" 

“No,” said Peter. “No? I’m about seventy-five percent sure he is not.”

“Well, with _those_ odds –,”

“Peter!” yelled Harry.

Peter and Johnny exchanged alarmed glances and ran up the stairs.

“You guys can sleep here,” said Harry, revealing a guest room. He pushed Stanley into Peter’s arms. “I have a date though, would you watch him for me while I get ready, Pete? You’re the best.”

“Uh,” said Peter. “Sure, I guess.”

But Harry was already out the door with a cheery, “Au revoir!” 

Peter and Johnny looked at each other.

“Maybe he’s not in love with you,” Johnny said. “Maybe he just wants a babysitter.”

Peter bounced Stanley on his hip. Stanley reached up and grabbed a lock of Peter’s hair, not tugging, just holding. Peter made a face at him and he giggled.

“I can do babysitting,” said Peter. “Harry’s giving us a free place to stay. It’s the least we could do really.” 

Johnny’s heart felt warm – and he knew how warm felt. 

“You’d make a good dad, you know that?” Johnny asked.

“ _You’d_ make a good dad,” Peter grumbled.

Johnny kissed him on the cheek. “You’re adorable when you take compliments as insults.” 

“ _You’re_ adorable,” said Peter, but he was starting to smile. 

Harry poked his head in. “So you two are good here?”

“Um –,”

“Great! I have full faith in you!”

Harry disappeared. Then he popped his head in.

“Just, you know, no funny business in front of my son. You have a bit of a reputation. But really I have complete faith in you!”

And he was gone.

 

They were only kissing for, like, two seconds when Harry walked in and froze. Stanley had been asleep in the blanket fort they had built with him and only just wandered out. If Harry had waited for only a moment longer, Peter definitely would have noticed the toddler waddling around.

“ _Wow,_ ” said Harry. “Just. Wow.”

He swept into the room and swept Stanley into his arms.

“In front of my own flesh and blood,” said Harry. “The years of therapy I’ll have to pay for –,”

“We were just kissing,” said Peter with an eye roll.

“And Richard Nixon was _just_ trying to listen the radio.”

“Are you serious right now? Harry, come on.”

“Shh, Stanley,” Harry whispered. “The scary men can’t hurt you now.” Harry patted his son on the back as he made his way to the kitchen. He paused, and tossed over his shoulder. “Can you guys sneak out the back way? Liz is waiting out front and I don’t want her to think anything weird is going on.”

“Like what?” Peter yelled. “What could possibly be weird about this situation?”

“MJ said you can stay with her!” Harry called.

Peter and Johnny showed themselves out. 

 

“We’re laying down some rules,” MJ said, pacing in front of them like she was Captain America himself. “No sex where I can see it. No involving my food in weird sex things. You clean your own soiled weird sex items. Any questions?”

Peter raised his hand. “Can I use the bathroom?”

“No. I mean, eventually, you can, but right now you’re clearly just trying to be cute, so no.”

Johnny raised his hand, but like a gentleman, waited to be called on. MJ pointed at him.

“What color hair dye do you use?” he asked.

“It’s natural,” she said.

His eyes widened. “Really? It’s _gorgeous._ ”

“Well. Thank you.”

Johnny turned to Peter. “Should I go red?”

Peter tried to smother himself with a pillow. Johnny and MJ shared a look that meant, _What a drama queen._

“So we’re all understood then?” asked MJ.

“Yes ma’am,” they chorused.

“Then gentlemen, I think this is the start of a beautiful arrangement.”

 

It really was, at first. MJ didn’t always see Peter and Johnny due to conflicting schedules, and when she did, she was the perfect host.  One time, she got home after a long day out and caught Peter and Johnny kissing, Johnny sitting on the table with Peter between his legs. Peter sprang back, but MJ hardly acknowledged them, going to the fridge, grabbed a Sprite, and left the room.

Peter and Johnny looked at each other.

“That was weird, yeah?” Johnny asked.

“Okay, I was thinking it,” said Peter. “It was like she didn’t even see us!”

“I don’t like this,” said Johnny. “I don’t like this one bit.”

“Not even a flinch!”

“Are we not hot anymore?” Johnny placed his hands on Peter’s cheeks, forcing him to look into his eyes. “Tell me I’m hot, baby.”

“Sweetheart, you are _so_ hot. It’s ridiculous how hot you are.”

“Right back at you,” said Johnny and then they were making out again, thoughts of MJ mostly driven from their minds.

 

It became something of a _thing._ Peter and Johnny cuddled obnoxiously on the couch while MJ was trying to watch _The Bachelorette_ and she steadfastly ignored them. Peter and Johnny spent an entire conversation over Chinese take out making everything they said an innuendo. MJ ate her noodles without so much as a cough. Peter and Johnny definitely didn’t have sex right at her door – but they sure came close. MJ didn’t even walk by until Peter and Johnny were a little exhausted and their lips a little sore. They slumped on either side of her door right as MJ turned the corner. 

“Hiya, boys!” she said. “It was a good night for a walk, huh?”

She slipped into her bedroom with a wink.

Johnny looked at Peter, aghast. “What is that girl made of? Stone?”

Peter shrugged. “How should I know?”

“You dated her!”

“That does not mean I am any closer to understanding her.”

Johnny crawled across the floor until he was sitting in Peter’s lap. Peter lifted his hands to push them through Johnny’s hair and Johnny understood why cats purred.

“You know what this means, right?” Johnny asked.

“Hm?” said Peter, eyes on Johnny’s lips.

“We’ve got to break a _rule_.”

“Oh you are _bad_ ,” Peter said, capturing Johnny’s reddened lips once more.

 

They talked about it and decided there was really only one rule that breaking didn’t count as sexual harassment. Which was good, since it was the most important one.

“Have either of you seen the whipped cream?” MJ called from the kitchen. “I could have sworn I just bought a new can.”

“Nope,” said Peter.

“I think I’d know if I saw a can of whipped cream,” said Johnny.

“Huh. I guess I’ll get some more –,”

“I’ll pick up a can today,” Johnny said. “It’s uh. The least we could do.”

 

“It’s the weirdest thing,” MJ said, strolling into the living room. “I was trying to have my ice cream sundae Sunday? But I don’t have any chocolate sauce. So then I went to get the strawberry syrup, and that’s gone too.” She gave them the stink eye, which had probably made Steven Spielberg cower. But Johnny had gone toe to toe with Galactus. Who was only slightly scarier.

“I don’t know what to tell you, MJ,” said Peter, his head in Johnny’s lap. Johnny stroked his fingers through Peter’s hair. It was so thick, Johnny felt like he could get completely tangled in it.

Man. Medusa really did a number on him.

“What you should tell me is that you definitely haven’t been using my vaguely erotic foods for vaguely erotic purposes,” MJ said, crossing her arms.

“I haven’t been using your vaguely erotic foods for vaguely erotic purposes,” said Peter. “I don’t even like strawberry syrup, you know this.”

“But I sure do,” said Johnny with a smirk.

MJ glared at them. “You’re messing with the wrong girl.” And she turned and walked out the door.

 

“Guess what!” Johnny yelled as he rifled through the pantry.

“You’re in love with me?” asked Peter. 

“No. Well yes. But even better.”

Peter popped his head into the kitchen. “You found MJ’s hidden oils?”

“I found MJ’s hidden oils!”

Peter ran over to cram into the pantry with Johnny, who was pulling a bottle of olive oil out of a box of granola.

“This is the good stuff too,” Johnny said, turning the barely used bottle over in his hands. “It almost makes me feel bad about using it for my own sexual desires.”  

“This isn’t about us,” said Peter. “It’s about her. If she has normal human reactions, we wouldn’t even be here.”

“I guess . . .”

“Babe.” Peter wrapped his arms around Johnny’s middle. He pressed a kiss to Johnny’s skin. It burned, more than Johnny’s own flame. “Please let me live out my Ancient Greek fantasy by licking olive oil off a golden Adonis’ dick.”

“God, you’re romantic,” said Johnny, turning in Peter’s arms and kissing him hard.

 

They didn’t totally get to the licking oil off of dicks part because Johnny licked some off of Peter’s abs and then decided that the olive oil would be great with some vinegar and bread. So then he flew to the store to pick some up, coming back to a disgruntled fiancé who nonetheless let Johnny use his abs as some sort of personal serving plate, dabbing up the excess with the French bread.

And that’s when MJ came home.

“I _knew_ it!” she shrieked. “I knew you sex heathens were using my food!”

“This is actually not what it looks like,” Peter said as Johnny fed him a piece of bread dipped in the oil pooling on his abs.

“No, you’re right,” said MJ, face turning as red as her hair. “It appears even weirder than I thought it was. God. That’s so gross. Use a plate. God.”

“But on a plate, it wouldn’t taste like Peter,” said Johnny.

“ _God!_ ”

MJ stormed into the kitchen. It sounded like cabinet doors were slamming. She came back a moment later without anything, so maybe she just wanted to slam some doors.

“I can’t do this anymore,” she said. “I thought I could but I can’t. You guys are freaks. Give me that.”

She snatched the bottle of oil from the ground and then Johnny’s loaf of bread.

“Hey!” he yelled. “I paid for that!”

She glared so fiercely that he shrunk down, trying to morph himself into Peter’s body. “I suppose you can have it.”

“Damn right I can,” MJ said, tearing off a chunk of bread with her teeth. “You have ten minutes.”

For a minute, the only sound was her heavy footsteps and the slam of her bedroom door.

“Wow,” said Johnny. “She is not messing around.”

“I almost feel bad,” said Peter. “I did some stupid shit when we dated and I think I just now drove her to the breaking point.”

“What do you think she’ll do if she comes down in ten minutes and we’re still here?”

“I’m not sure I want to find out,” said Peter. “The Green Goblin’s looked at me with less rage.”

It took them twenty minutes, but luckily, MJ didn’t seem ready to face them either.

 

They sat on a pair of swings as the park. A kid in the sandbox kept glaring at them, but what were they supposed to do? Not use the swing? Lame.

Peter called Flash and it went to voicemail. He called Betty and she said, “Ah, well, you see, ah, well,” until Peter took pity on her and told her not to worry about it.

“I could call JJJ?” he said. “We’re technically family. Or we were at one point.”

“Ugh, no,” said Johnny. “I still don’t forgive him for that time he said Sue and Reed’s relationship was on the rocks.”

“It _was_ on the rocks.”

“But that wasn’t for his stupid paper to decide!”

“Technically _my_ stupid – you know what, never mind, JJJ’s off. We could go to, uh . . .”

Johnny searched his brain. “I would call Wyatt, but he’s in Oklahoma right now.”

“The Inhumans?”

He cringed. “No thanks.”

“Come _on,_ your thing with Medusa was ages ago.”

“She left me for her cousin! You don't get over that, Peter.”

“I think it’s a bit more complicated –,”

“And I ran into Pietro when he was picking up Luna the other day. Talk about awkward.”  

“You guys were on a team together –,”

“And! Every! Day! Was! Awkward!”

“Okay, okay,” Peter conceded. “What about Jen?”

“Off world, I think?”

“What? With who?”

“The Guardians of the Galaxy? Maybe?”

“Since when?”

“I don’t know, I don’t keep tabs on them.”

Peter and Johnny shared a commiserating silence. Their lives could be so confusing.

“Don’t you have _any_ other friends?” asked Peter, dragging his feet miserably in the dirt.

“Don’t you?"

“Touché,” Peter sighed. And then he brightened. “I have Cindy!”

“Cindy Moon?” asked Johnny. “You guys still talk?”

“Duh, we still _talk_. You don’t find out that another person got bit by the same radioactive spider that bit you in high school and then wind up _not talking_.”

“So basically you stalk her in the name of being her mentor, even though she’s pretty much your age, and she takes every chance she can to avoid you.”

“I take great offense to that. But yes.” Peter was already texting, a grin spreading across his face. “She said yes! And she used a bunch of panda emojis, she’s so cute.”

Peter showed Johnny his phone. There were indeed way too many panda emojis. It was, actually, pretty cute.

“Down boy,” said Johnny. “I don’t wanna hear about your panda kink.”

Peter screwed up his face in obvious distaste. “You’re such a weirdo. Come on, I’ll give you a ride.”

“Ooh, I like where this is going.”

“We cannot have sex while flying through the air.”

“We can’t?”

Johnny gave Peter his biggest doe eyes.

“Well,” said Peter, scratching at the stubble he hadn’t had time to shave since MJ kicked them out. “I guess we never know if we don’t try.”

Johnny kissed him, stubble and all.

 

“So yeah, it’s not big or anything, but make yourselves at home,” said Cindy, gesturing at her apartment living room. “There’s mac and cheese in the pantry. And nothing else. Being an adult is hard.”

“You’re telling me,” said Johnny, flopping back on her couch. “Thanks for doing this, Cindy. It means a lot.”

“No problemo,” she said. “Just like. Try not to embarrass me when my friends came over.”

“You have friends?” asked Peter.

“Watch it, Spider-Guy,” said Cindy, glaring.

“No, no! I just meant – how do you have friends, and we don’t?”

“I don’t think that made you sound better,” Johnny pointed out, picking up a framed picture of Cindy and her family. He smiled at how young she looked.

“It’s fine,” Cindy said with a roll of her eyes. She couldn’t totally keep the anxious note out of her voice, and for the first time, Johnny thought that maybe there was someone they really shouldn’t burden with their stupid sex-induced problems. “I have, like. Four friends. Lola, Rafferty, Jess, Felicia –,”

“Felicia _Hardy_?” yelled Peter. “The woman who definitely tried to kill you multiple times?”

“She never tried to _kill_ me. And I gave as good as I got.” Cindy waved her hand like none of this mattered. “It’s complicated.”

“You shouldn’t be friends with people who beat you up!”

“ _You’re_ the one who’s slept with her!” Cindy cried. “I find this highly hypocritical –,”

“Okay, maybe you guys are buddies again, but she definitely wants to kill me. Like definitely.”

“Peter. You basically ruined her life.”

“ _No I didn’t!_ ”

“Look,” said Cindy, taking deep breaths through her nose. “My therapist told me it’s best to go for a walk when I get irrationally angry instead of trying to punch my problems in the face. So. I’m going to do that. Because my problems are being increasingly irritating. Okay. Bye. Have some mac and cheese.”

Cindy left her own home.

“Wow,” said Johnny. “We’re assholes.”

“Hey, now –,”

“Wait, no, _you’re_ the asshole. I was a perfectly courteous guest.”

Peter rolled his eyes and moved into the kitchen.

“You want some mac and cheese?” he called.

“I used to jerk off to the thought of Spider-Man and the Black Cat,” called Johnny.

“I’m not sure whether that disturbs me or arouses me.”

Probably both, Johnny mused. Peter was pretty weird.

 

Living with Cindy was . . . pretty nice. She didn’t pry into their lives, which Johnny appreciated. She kept to her self, maybe too much. And she was very cute, all the time.

Maybe Johnny still had a bit of a crush on her. Maybe Cindy Moon was the type of person you never stopped having a crush on. Johnny even caught Peter blushing once or twice when she paid him particular attention.

And due to Cindy’s general cuteness and how pushing her to a breaking point was not nearly as fun as pushing MJ or Sue, Peter and Johnny tried to be decent guests. They kept the PDA to a minimum. Peter toned down his assholeness. Johnny was his usual lovely self. It was a good arrangement.

Until about three days into the arrangement, when Felicia Hardy showed up at the door. 

“Oh, hey!” Johnny said, since he had opened the door. “It sure has been a while, huh?”

Felicia arched an eyebrow. “Is Cindy here?”

“Uh, yeah, yeah, I think she’s getting ready right now. Hot date?”

Felicia didn’t even answer him, instead pushing past him into the room. Just as Peter emerged from the bathroom.

Peter froze. Felicia arched an eyebrow.

“Cat,” Peter said. “You look . . . like you still wear black.”

“You look like you still buy clothes at Sears,” said Felicia.

“Um,” said Peter, probably not sure how to take that.

Felicia sat down on the couch. She reached her hand into bowl of skittles on the coffee table, pulled out a green one, and popped it into her mouth. She chewed while making direct eye contact with Peter, like she was imagining the skittle was his head,

Peter and Johnny exchanged alarmed looks.

 

“Thanks for taking us in at such late notice,” Johnny said. “I think Peter needed to shower off all the imaginary bruises his ex gave him.”

“No problem, man,” said Luke Cage. “My home is your home. And my daughter, apprarently.”

Johnny rubbed his nose against Dani’s. She giggled.

“I can’t help that the ladies love me,” he said as she grabbed his nose to try to make him rub it against hers again.

“I hope you’re being nice, Dani!” said Jess when she emerged from a hallway.

“Don’t talk to my best friend that way,” said Johnny, and Dani giggled some more.

Jessica shot Luke a dark look. “You are not making the Human Torch our daughter's manny.”

“Of course not,” said Luke.

“Oh,” said Jessica, sounding dejected. 

Just then, Peter sauntered in wearing nothing but a tiny towel that, due to its pink Barbie print, Johnny assumed was Dani’s. Or maybe Danny Rand’s when he came to stay.

“Sorry guys,” said Peter. “This was the only one in the pantry, I’ll wash it –,”

Jessica certainly wasn’t listening, her eyes dropping to Peter’s chest. Luke wasn’t listening either, his eyes flicking between Jessica and Peter.

“Yeah, this isn’t gonna work,” Luke announced.

“What?” asked Peter in alarm. The towel slipped a little and Jessica’s eyes widened.

“Sorry, buddy,” said Luke. “Your pecs really don’t got a thing on mine, but I still don’t need them paraded around.”

“I’ll buy you a new towel!” Peter yelled, throwing his hands in the air. The towel fell.

Jessica started coughing. Luke’s hands curled into fists. Johnny covered Dani’s eyes.

“Get out,” Luke said.

“But –,”

“I’ll call Matt. You can shack up with him. Dude’s blind.”

“Um,” said Peter.

“See you soon?” Jessica asked in a breathy voice Johnny wasn’t sure he had ever heard from her. It was like she had reverted to being a fifteen-year-old girl who accidentally walked into the men’s locker room. Jeez. There was nothing Peter had that Luke didn’t have times ten.

“Uh, yeah, sure. I’ll just. Grab my clothes.”

“You do that,” said Luke. Peter’s naked self trudged back into the bathroom. Luke gently extracted Dani from Johnny’s arms.

 

“This is all your fault,” said Johnny later. 

“What? How?”

“You’re not even _that_ hot and yet super hot people always want to bang you!”

“Are you talking about yourself?”

“No,” said Johnny. “Well. Yes. I guess I am.”

At least Peter understood that much. He supposed pressing the matter was useless.

  

Matt wasn’t home.

“I know you’re home, Matt!” Peter yelled, banging on the door.

“I don’t think he’s home,” said Johnny.

“I know he is.” Peter knocked so hard the frame shook. “I could knock this door in if I wanted to! Dammit Matt!”

“I really don’t think he’s home.”

“Bullshit. He could be in Iowa and still hear us knocking.” Peter knocked a few more times for good measure. “I swear to God, Murdock, I know you’re right inside the door right now with some girl –,”

Johnny thought he heard giggling and shuffling and shushing. Maybe Matt really was home.

“Whatever, you were a last resort anyway,” said Peter, and they left his apartment to walk down the street. 

“They should call him Dare _dick_ ,” said Peter. “Dickdevil?”

“Imagine what his shirt would say then. ‘I am not Dickdevil.’”

“Ha,” said Peter. “God. I can’t believe Matt freakin’ Murdock won’t even help us. We should go to his law firm. I hear he doesn’t even charge much.”

That suddenly struck a thought in Johnny.

“You’re rich!” Johnny said, coming to a halt on the pavement. New Yorkers grumbled and fanned around him.

“Huh?”

“I totally keep forgetting you’re rich now. We could have just gotten a hotel.”

“Uhh you’re rich too,” said Peter. “Why do you always make me buy everything?”

“Because I like to be pampered.”

“Oh right. Do you want to get a hotel?” 

Peter and Johnny stared at each other. And they both began to laugh.

“What are we doing?” asked Peter.

“Trying to outlast Sue,” said Johnny. “We could never outlast Sue.”

“It was worth a shot,” said Peter, taking Johnny’s hand. Heat spread from his fingers all the up his arm and into his chest. “And, hey, you know what? Any time I wanna attempt the impossible, I’ll always do it with you.”

Johnny smiled. Whenever he did anything, he wanted to do it with Peter. But it went unsaid.

  

“I think this is a bit much,” said Peter.

“We didn’t even get a fair trial,” said Johnny. “What is this, communist Russia?”

“This is exactly what you deserve for your crimes,” said Sue, handing them both pens.

They sat in one of the Future Foundation’s classrooms at desks far too tiny for grown superhero men. On the desktops were freshly printed contracts, outlaying the rules Peter and Johnny had to agree to in order to be accepted back into the household. No PG-13 or above displays of affection in communal spaces. No stealing food for nefarious purposes. Always listen to Sue (within reason).

“I swear, food has never been a thing for us,” said Johnny. “Why do people keep getting that impression?”

“Well –,” started Dragon Man. 

“It was a rhetorical question, buddy.”

“Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to,” said Bentley-23.

“I’m so glad to be moving back in here,” Peter said flatly. “Really.”

“The faster you sign, the sooner this will all be over,” sang Sue.

And, as much fun as it had been, Peter and Johnny were ready for it to be over. Peter scratched out a signature and Johnny signed his contract with a flourish. Mik immediately collected their contracts to file away for future reference.

“That wasn’t so hard, was it?” Sue asked. Peter and Johnny mumbled because they weren’t about to give her the satisfaction.

“Welcome back, dumbos,” said Ben with a rocky grin and then Reed’s arms stretched out to lift them both out of their seats and gather them in a hug. The rest of the four joined in and then soon the entire Future Foundation, including Bentley.

“No, seriously, how binding was the contract?” Peter asked, gasping for air.

Johnny shushed him. Peter arched an eyebrow and Johnny grinned.

“Sorry,” he said. “I kind of love them.”

“I kind of love you,” said Peter, and Johnny decided this was pretty much the perfect day.

 


End file.
